Day 6

I had a text today from C, it just said "Thank you x".

That really put this in perspective. We have agreed to help another couple have a baby. A real life baby. The rest is just details. We will be connected to them in a way we are not connected to any other couple in the world. I am so proud of my Husband, he has handled this a lot better than me. It has also been lovely to talk, actual proper conversations. Not chat about the children or our days or the news. Proper grown up stuff. Maybe thats why I struggled with this, maybe its because it is so out of my little world.

I have quite a nice life. I have never really wanted for much (it does help that I have very low standards). Boats, cars and expensive holidays are not interesting to me. I love my Children and my garden, the beach, our families and thats what I have. I have to learn to embrace the new and unexpected. I may even buy some funky red shoes. I am starting to come to terms with being a grown up.

Day 5

Am I thinking about this too much? Am I looking too far in to it? Should it really be as easy as D says?

D gives them as many samples as it takes and they have a child who looks like a cousin (even thought me and C are very similar build and colouring). We see this child on Christmas, school hoildays, family gatherings etc and thats it.

I think I should feel something but I don't. I think I should be more bothered that D will have another child but not with me but I don't. Should I? Is there a way I SHOULD feel?

I am worried that this childs life will be started in secrecy. D & S look nothing alike. S has awful teeth, acne scars & he is balding at a young age. D has nice hair & teeth and smooth skin. Even if S wasn't sterile I think D would be the way to go ;-)

I am flattered that C wants D to be the father of her child. If the situation were reversed I would not want to carry S's child. The thought makes me feel queasy. I really need the opinion of others but who to speak to?

Day 4

D spoke to his Brother last night. He told him we have made our decision. They agreed to keep it completely secret FOREVER. S will be named as the father on the BC and no one will be told otherwise. This means that its going to be a turkey baster job. So now we come to planning this. I am happy for D to make the arrangements as its basically what he feels comfortable with doing that matters. I know it took us a while to get pregnant and I don't think he remembers this or has thought that this may take a while and quite a few goes. What if they want another child? What if there is something wrong with this one? I still hate being a grown-up.

Day 3

I feel sick. This is such a big decision, not only for us but for them and our families.

Day 2

I had some really weird dreams last night, shower curtains, faces from the past, running away. As I said all very odd. This is obviously too big an idea to get my head round in one day.

I have asked D to invite them here to discuss it. We need to know what they want from this apart from the obvious. What their ideas are about how they see this panning out.

Clinic means that the child can legally trace D at the age of 18. Sperm will have a battery of tests etc and it will be donated in a medical "enviroment".

Privately it can be kept very quiet, no tests BUT it will be donated in their home (ewww). I am not sure I can look them in the face again after that.

How will I feel if my Sister-In-Law is pregnant with Ds child? How will she feel? or his Brother? Will I be searching the childs face for the features of my own children?

I hate being a grown up.

Day 1

This afternoon on the way home from the shops my Husband D told me that his Brother is sterile. He has had some tests and there are no detectable sperm present. His Brother and Sister-in- Law are desperate to have a child together. There are more expensive tests to come next week but its not looking good for them. She has 2 children from a previous marriage he has none. They are not getting any younger. As She is over 35 (just), IVF on the NHS is not an option.

My Husband was asked if he would consider being a sperm donor.

We have 3 children of our own and have no plans to add to that number. D does not want to be involved with this new child in any way other than that of an uncle. He does not want any financial obligations or parental rights. He actually doesn't want anyone to know that the child is his at all.

This is where my dilemma starts. I believe in total honesty. That the right to know who your parents are is fundamental. If he goes ahead and a child is born, legally the child will have the right to find out that D is his Father at the age of 18. If it is kept a secret forever then this child will not be the person he/she thinks they are.

As he wants it to be a secret I feel unable to speak to anyone about it so I am speaking to you blog with the hope that between us we can answer my worries.

So these are the questions I am going to ponder on first-

1. Is total secrecy a good idea?
2. Should our childen be told?
3. Do we agree and open a whole world of worms or say no and feel responsible for them having no child?
4. How does it work? Clinic or turkey baster? Do we need to see a Solicitor?

I am off to search the internet for answers to these questions. I hate being a grown-up.